


Two beats in one heart

by orphan_account



Series: Black and white names on your skin [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Multi, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:58:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was easy : names, faces to fit, hapiness to be found. That was what soulmates were. Tooru had found his own in his childhood friend, growing easily in their bond. Until Tobio, until a third name that made his world crumble, that made Hajime's spin around and Tobio was caught in the middle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two beats in one heart

There as nothing sweeter but to feel the searing burn on your skin, discovering letters, signs, slowly forming on your skin ; sealing your fate. Bearing the name of someone else, like a gift from fate itself, was considered a blessing, something so happy people all around the world thrived to find their own, to find who were fated to them and hope for a fairytale of a love life.  
Tooru had felt it, burning, growing when he was but a child, the signs saying « Hajime » written all over on his solar plexus, small and neat, trying not to sob as he read them, smiling happily, almost shouting in the dead of night. Since the beginning, it always had been the two of them, close and happy, playing with each other, growing at each other's side and knowing it was so, so much more never failed to bring a smile on Tooru's face. Even after every year, softly touching the same neat and small « Tooru » on Hajime's chest, relishing in the fact they were made for each other despite the fights, despite the hardships of their lives.  
They were made for each other, enough to withstand everything if they were together, the blackening of their names making them smile softly after tentative touches, tentative kisses that left them breathless and blushing, never to talk about it again until the fire in their bodies called for them again. 

 

But Tooru soon realized that Fate was not happy in their happiness, that it deemed it not enough, that their tight bond and relationship was somehow not enough, never enough. Some said that Fate was cruel, and Tooru soon figured out that it was true.  
For him, Fate had blue eyes, too wide and candid, looking at them like he would at the moon. Fate was all Tooru could grow to hate, to despise and be jealous of, burning itself slowly on Hajime's chest, white letters, small and neat like his, a burning white « Tobio » written on his soulmate, like a punch to his stomach.  
Fate was saying he was not enough for Hajime, that Tooru was not the only one he truly needed. But he had trusted Hajime's shrug, his small laugh and punch, a small and whispered « It does not matter Tooru » that had made him smile despite the burning jealousy he could fell growing whenever he looked at Tobio. 

Despite everything, Fate had chosen another one for Hajime, someone Tooru could never really compare to. For Hajime's affection, or in life itself, watching the boy growing to be better han him everyday ; eating at him so much he never really felt the same small and neat name being written on his own skin until Hajime had pointed it out, tracing the same white letters with a soft, trembling finger as they looked at each other ; afraid, unsure.  
They had a third. Both. A boy Tooru could not stand, someone Hajime did not care about outside of the court. 

« It does not mean anything Tooru. Our bond is stronger, more important, we can ignore this. » he had said, slightly pushing against the letters branded on Tooru's skin and Tooru watched him, watched his face, devoid of any feeling, just stating what they both were thinking about.

« We can do that yeah » he repeated, feeling Hajime's closed lips on his. But Tooru still thought about blue and candid eyes, the way he still looked up to them despite Tooru's anger and jealousy, despite Hajime having nothing but little concern about him.  
But for them, their love for each other was stronger, the black of their names more important in their eyes than the still stark white of Tobio's on both of their skin.  
And Tooru found that it was really easy to forget the small burn on his plexus as he watched with narrowed eyes Tobio's progress, Tobio's skills and the way his jealousy, his anger not concerning this strange, third bond. 

Not at all.



 

Tobio took never to believe in soulmates, that it was so easy to find a name, to find someone ho could be fated to you above everyone else in the world. It had been even easier to believe that he would never find anyone, when he was usually alone or playing, the other children never taking a kind friendship to him, no one getting even a bit interested in him. Sports had been his mother and his decision to make him forget the fact that he had no one, not even small, tiny letters on his body that could prove he was worthy of something this beautiful, this big that were soulmates.  
Since then, the thud of the ball on the court's floor, the way he felt himself being freed whenever he played eased the pang of sadness he always felt upon seeing no names on him everyday, the whispers and mockeries he knew happened wherever he went air to accept, easier to block out if he knew he could play, could feel himself being useful and talented in something not everyone had.  
It was his own choice to make himself feel better, to forget how broken he could be despite his mother's strong words, strong hugs telling him that he was loved, that he was worthy of love.  
But nonetheless, he took to never trust in Fate, never to think it was worth anything when he could find love elsewhere, differently (trying not to feel the emptiness in his heart, in his soul too much). 

It only had been in his arrival at Kitadai school that he began to think, that maybe, maybe things could change. That something happened for Fate to deem him worthy of such a thing, worthy of soulmates. Between hard work and even harder practices, looking at all the players in the court with such wide and awed gaze, Tobio never paid attention to the slight burning on his chest, in his lungs and in his heart as he pushed himself forward, to their level.  
His pained breathing was linked to his training, to him being not good enough just yet, so he pushed himself further, never stopping until the practice was called out, congratulating each other as Tobio stayed silent, still gasping in pain.  
Until he came back home, until he saw in small letters names he did not know yet. « Hajime » and « Tooru » being written neatly on his skin, standing stark and new and Tobio never quite looked at them, never touched them in fear they would disappear as quickly as they came.  
And he kept quiet, hiding them, keeping the name secrets even from his family, until he began to believe they will not go away one morning, that fate would no dare mock him so. 

As if it had been nothing but a dream.

Tobio then had began to wonder who could be his soulmate. Who could bear to have someone with not one but two names on his skin, wondering who could match the « Hajime » and « Tooru », imagining faceless people, his own soulmates, until he felt they only existed in his dreams.  
But reality came crashing down on him one day, at a harsh practice when everyone was under tension, watching his upperclassmen play until Oikawa fell, Iwiazumi shouting, worried a « Tooru » that had him whip around, staring at them as Iwaizumi rushed to him, as their coach call them both out and Tobio stared more, not wanting to believe it, not wanting his soulmates where there. Under his nose. He could have had happiness all along, could have felt loved and adored as he so wished to, but fate laughed at him again. Allowing him to know such a thing by an accident, to watch his first soulmate fall, the other one rushing to him.

He wanted to shake this thought off, to erase this fact not knowing if he should step up or not. He knew, deep inside that Oikawa, that Tooru did not bare him in his heart, that he never looked at him happily, if he ever did so. And Tobio knew he could have handled the thought, could have lived with one of his soulmates not liking him, despising him at this moment for he knew that they had time. And already the thought made him clench the ball tighter, fingers whitening around it as he bit his lips. But they never looked at him, Iwaizumi barely handling his presence, only noticing him as a younger player if Oikawa was involved, a small smile of apology but never truly directed at him ; as if Tobio was transparent, inexistent. As if Oikawa, Tooru, was the only one in his heart. 

And the nagging thought came to him. What if. What if they already shared a bond, the two of them. How could he fit into this ? Fit into the small smiles and fit of laughter, into the way both of them played, as if connected by something inhuman, something that made them better already. Tobio did not know. Did not know if he was worthy of such soulmates, if he could even have a bond with them despite having their name written on his skin.  
Sighing again, a last look at the two talking in small hushed tones with the coach, Tobio made his decision. He would ignore this, for just a while longer, and maybe, maybe he'll open up to them later, when he could face the thought of rejection ; for he never truly hoped to be allowed in an already formed bond.

And he decided, as the days went by and he realized none of them changed their behavior, none of them even gave hints to have Tobio's name too ; that he would be better watching from afar, lying about it like nothing had happened, like he had not given up on happiness already. And each time he had look at them, heads and bodies close to each other as they talked, their shared smiles as they scored for their team, Tobio's heart ached, his soul screamed at him to just talk to them, and he was so close to give in each time it happened, so close to just try to even get closer but he always shook it off, steeled his resolve and began to lie.

« Me ? Ah, i got no names no. » he would say instead, watching the floor. Like he was still younger, still trying to prove to himself that he was not broken when he knew he was fated. Not to one, but two people, such a rare and complimented thing. And he brushed the laughs off, brushed the snide remarks, holding onto his chest like the warm feeling would comfort him.  
However, days went by when the lie would weigh heavier on his tongue, when his throat would feel dry and he would search for faces he knew and longed for before he could talk, before he could deny what he had, what he craved and wanted, diving into sports completely as this lie became his reality, as nothing else was said about him but his lack of names and his talent.

« No wonder he has no soulmates » he heard them whisper, his mind screaming I HAVE to him, but training made him forget everything, down to the very thought he had to wish that he indeed never had any names. That he was not fated to whom he never could have, whom never would care about him enough to have his name engraved on their skin.  
So he watched them, watched his friends snicker and laugh behind his back and stiffened. Just a few months, and maybe he will open up. Maybe he will dare step up and just ease his secret to those it concerned the most.

One day he hoped. To ease the pain he constantly felt, to reach his own happiness and to shut the whispers in his wake. He knew how no-names were treated, talked about like a sickness, like something unusual and unnatural, and he didn't want this. He did not want to lie to everyone and himself anymore.

 



It should have been easier. His footsteps should not have felt like lead, like everything was weighing him down until he was in front of Oikawa. He was still clenching his fists as he began to talk, looking straight at him like Tobio was not afraid, like his heart was not beating too fast in his chest and his marks were not burning him. Like he was not seeing the slight anger already here in Oikawa's eyes before he could even utter what he was here for, what had taken him months until he found the courage to even voice his decision.

« I have your name. » he had said instead, too honest, too quickly ; eyes flickering to Oikawa's face, to the floor and the wall behind them, but he still didn't miss the way Oikawa's face morphed from realization into anger. He should have known, that it would not be this easy for him, that it would not change anything right from the spot, but Tobio never thought it would get this ugly. Just for a name. Just for soulmates.

« This cannot be. We're not soulmates and we'll never be ! » Oikawa had answered, slightly hissing, words so quick and angry that Tobio flinched. « I already have a name. And the « Hajime » on my skin is enough for me, enough for my love, I have no need for another. » he had continued, fists clenched at his side as he bore holes into Tobio's face, never minding his small shudder, never minding his own. 

But Tobio still clung to hope, still clung to anything not to make his world crumble under Oikawa's hurtful words, like knives in his heart, burning on his chest like the names he bore, like Fate himself wanted him to fight for what he thought was right.

« I too have Hajime's name, next to yours, close to my heart. I did not know it was the both of you until a few months ago. » and Tobio really flinched upon hearing Oikawa laugh at his words.  
Cruel, unrelenting.  
It was not this jealousy inherent to them both being setters, to Tobio himself bothering Oikawa to learn more under him. It was gratuitous and Tobio wished never to have heard it. The way Oikawa clenched his own chest as he laughed, and he could have never known it was more in pain than in resentment, that Oikawa himself felt like his world was crumbling because Tobio knew and his resolve around the secret he and Hajime had was still decreasing by the day. So he laughed, to hide his pain, to hide his own hope and not to see Tobio's own pain.

« Like you could have two names. Not even one, but two ! You would claimed to be no-name high and loud for all of us to hear like it made you any different ! » He had said, almost yelled as he shove Tobio away from him at each words, finger pointing, pushing against the names Tobio knew were there, burning bright and painfully.  
« There is just no way, no way for you to be ours. » he repeated again and again, louder and louder and Tobio felt like he would only hear those words for the rest of his life. The way Oikawa's cheeks flushed in anger, the way he seethed at each words and oh angry, how hurt he was and Tobio did not know what to do with himself.

« I'm sorry » he wanted to say again and again until this was but a dream, that he could forget he even tried, that he even hoped he could be someone's soulmates. He knew some were never requited, but to be rejected like this ? Tobio never thought he could hurt like this.  
He had wanted to step away, to run away from Oikawa as fast as he could but before his body finally decided to move, another voice, angrier and even more powerful rose.

« What do you think you're doing Tooru ? How the hell do you think you can hit a first year like this ? » he had said, stepping closer to them at an alarming speed and Tobio wanted to hide, to erase this very moment from existence because he could not believe what a disaster it was.

« If I find you demeaning him again for no reason but a lack of soulmates, you're the one getting punched, ok ? » he had went on, shoving Oikawa away as he had done so with Tobio, rough and powerful until they were feet apart from each other and Tobio could not hear their hushed words, could only see the way they stood close to each other and he wanted to scream. To tell both of them that he was theirs, that he wanted to wear their names proudly and not lie anymore. But he stood frozen to the spot, unable to do anything but watch as Oikawa walked away angrily, nearly running away with tight and taut limbs ad muttering «  he is lying » to himself as Iwaizumi watched him, sighing.

« Don't mind him Kageyama » Iwaizumi had sighed, looking at him behind his shoulder, not even turning completely towards him as Tobio stared, slowly breaking down as he watched any hope being stepped on ? The wrath of Iwaizumi's hand on his shoulder burning, oh so painful as he asked if he as ok and Tobio only nodded, looking straight ahead, focusing on anything but his heartbeat or the way Iwaizumi went after Oikawa ; both of his soulmates disappearing out of the gymnasium. 

As Tobio turned away, shoulders hunched and clenching his chest, exhaling shakily as he made to the locker rooms, Iwaizumi went outside to find a crying, breathless Oikawa.  
When both graduated on the following day, Tobio didn't flinch upon seeing Oikawa's anger, Oikawa's jealousy and Iwaizumi's calming but indifferent gaze. They never said goodbye, never talked about what happened and Tobio shoved the memory, shoved the names away from his mind, willing for them not to stain his skin anymore with their blackness. 

He had steeled himself, returning to anger whenever someone would whisper about him being a « no-name », fought teeth and nails for everyone to believe his righteous anger was because of the truth of the statement, until even himself believed it. Untim he stopped seeing the names entirely, wishing them away, seeing through them like the ghost of a painful memory.

So he began to focus on his games, on being better, so everyone would forget he has no-name, and look at his skill instead, disappearing under it, burying himself under the work and training. It never hurt when he was too tired to think about anything but his own bed and a warm shower



Tooru stared at the white names on his chest, like he could make them burn until they became black again only by the power of his gaze. Closing the door a bit forcefully as not to see his reflection anymore, he sighed again.

« I searched for it » he muttered as he always did when he stared too much at the names on his skin, at the disaster that had became his life and his bonds. And he knew he had only himself to blame, and he was standing there no, scowling at his clothes, almost ready to go out with Hajime for the day. Hajime and Kumiko, as always and the very thought deepened his frown. 

He had figured, upon entering Aobajousai with Hajime, that their lives would be easier, that he could lie about what happened that day with Tobio and still express surprise whenever they would bring the subject of this third, rare bond between themselves. And he had done so brilliantly, until even he began to think he did the right thing, that Fate could have made a mistake and everything would go right again as they put distance between them and Tobio.  
They had watched the name flicker from black to white, and white to black until it settled to a fading white one day, and both of them never talked about it again. And Tooru thought that it went downhill from this day onward, like Fate was punishing his decision, his lies, and their ignorance. 

He had began to saw Hajime distance himself from him, claiming that they could try for it not to be only the two of them like it had been for years. They still had practice together, joined and always ready, but he had seen a gap form between them, something not even Tooru, not even his name on Hajime's skin could fill.  
It had been a phone call, a discussion between the two when Hajime had whispered to him, caressing his face like his words would not hurt Tooru the slightest

« You know, I think we should somehow live our lives as we see fit. That we can try something else, see other people and not let this bond dictate our lives. We should try to find love by ourselves too.» and his words were soft, like they were not meant to be cruel to Tooru but still, he felt like being torn to pieces, word by word by Hajime soft yet strong voice.  
He had wanted to laugh, ask why Hajime was joking with such an important matter, why would he break and destroy everything they had built until this moment just for more freedom, to find love somewhere else while Tooru was already loving him.

He had stopped then, laughter dying in his throat before he could even make a sound and stared at Hajime as he kissed his cheek and went to sleep as Tooru realized that he never told him so. Never truly told Hajime that he loved him. That he'd be glad for them to be together as soulmates.  
hey had taken them being soulmates easily, smiling at the names on their chests, at their easy relationship but never once had they say that they love each other. And the words got caught up in his throat, unable to be voiced, unable to wake Hajime up and tell him before it could be too late, before he found someone else who would easily love him and tell him. Who would not wait years to realize what was such a simple fact, an easy thing to do in front of someone like Hajime.  
So Tooru stared at Hajime's back, at his easy breathe and he felt his heart break even more under such a weight, under the thought of having ruined something before it even began.



In retrospect, Tooru should not have been this surprised to see him one day come at the arm of a girl. And another one, all smiles he never has seen, soft and happy like he was not used to see on him. They were cute, he supposed, soft spoken and easily pleased, watching Hajime like Tooru had once, and as each month passed, he tried not to see them anymore. Tried not to think about how Hajime smiled softly, loving as he spoke about them to Tooru, as he watched them appear and forget him instantly. It was hard and easy at the same time. Easy to lie to himself after the end of the day, after a practice that left him too tired to even mind Hajime did not say « goodbye » to him anymore.  
But it was also harder, nights spent heaving, looking at his marked chest, wishing for neither of the names to be printed on his skin. That there might be another « Hajime » out there, another « Tobio » waiting who could make Tooru happy and he them in return.

It was easy to forget that Hajime did not gave the same importance to their bond as Tooru did. Or at least, that is what he thought. Until a too late, too hard of a practice. He was tired somehow, tired to see how is own mistakes at led to the whitening of their name, them who had everything to be happy with each other.  
Until Tobio, until Tooru himself had lied to him and Hajime. Until they graduated and left everyone for Aobajousai. One moment of weakness, of inattention, and Tooru had landed on the side of his foot, falling in a breathless shout, the world moving around him as he blacked out for a second, hearing shouts around him as he hit the ground, elbow and knee bumping violently on the hard floor.

« Tooru ! » he heard as he winced, blinking quickly, heavily as not to fee to much pain, cussing under his breath as he tried to move but only winced more. « Are you fine ? » Hajime added, looking worriedly at Tooru, hands hovering over his body and Tooru did not not know what hurt most anymore : the searing, blinding pain in his knee and elbow, the stinging one in his ankle or the choking, deep one in his heart.

« I'm fine » he breathed out, sitting upright and flinching away at the sight of the burnt skin of his arm. «  I just. Need a moment alone I think. »

When he flinched visibly as he got up, knee buckling under his weight as the team watched, Tooru swat at Hajime, pushing his hand away as he limped slowly to the locker room, hearing, feeling Hajime following his steps until they were alone.  
He had watched him then, as he sat down a bench and breathed out heavily, craddling his arm near his chest, as Hajime kneeled in front if him, putting his strong, cold hands on his burning legs, sending a shiver down his spine Tooru knew was not only from pain.

« It's nothing really, probably just a bruise. » he muttered, still watching Hajime closely as he felt close to him for the first time in weeks, and he only wanted to erase the frown he saw, the way Hajime's mouth thinned as he looked at Tooru.

« You should have a doctor look at it Tooru, we can't afford to lose you so close to the match season. »

« So it's about this, huh ? » he whispered to himself, shaking his head at Hajime's hum. «  I'm fine, don't bother. » he answered, more harshly than he wanted, pushing Hajime away slightly.  
But it was still about the season. Still about Tooru being the only setter beside his upperclassman, still being better and chosen for the season despite being in first year. Aobajousai could not afford to lose. They could not afford to lose and Tooru was only good at this. There was no real concern on Hajime's face. Not for him anyway, not for who Tooru is.

He winced at the strength of Hajime's grip on his thighs as he got up from between his legs, Tooru looking away, biting his lips and frowning. He should not have been this harsh, but Hajime's lack of concern, lack of affection hurt him more than he thought it would after these weeks spent apart.  
He heard him sigh, looking up to see his back as Hajime ran a hand through his hair, grabbing at it as he usually did in anger. 

« You should really have someone look at it Tooru. It does not look good, we, I, can't lose you yet. » he had exhaled the words slowly, as if Tooru would not understand them completely.

« I don't need you to mother me Iwa « 

« I am not mothering you ! » Hajime had yelled back, turning towards him, fists balled in anger at his sides and Tooru looked away, face grim. « I do care about you, whatever you may think about this fact. »

« Do you really ? » he had hissed back, rising up despite his pain to face Hajime, despite the angry burn his whole body felt, despite the dizziness he could feel take him over. 

« Of course I do ! I'm your friend and much more, but not when you push me away like this, when you push us away » he had began, fingers pointing to the both of them I quick, angry movements « if you can't even listen to me as your friend or your soulmate, who would care for you then ? Because I cannot do this everyday Tooru, watch you fall apart for no other reason than your bitterness over my happiness ! »

It made Tooru shut up quickly, watching Hajime breathe and pinch his nose without a word. He knew, he knew it was his cowardliness, his inability to express his own feelings for his friends that had them grow apart. But now, it was too late. When Hajime had found someone so dear to him already, that he put this bond over theirs, over one that existed for as long as he could remember.  
When Hajime had left punching him slightly and hard at his shoulder, bitterly saying that he should really see someone for his knee, Tooru finally sat down, leg terribly painful and shaking as he took his head into his hand, dejected.

He had laughed, then, snickered into his hands as his breathing became too erratic, to painful for him to see through his tears as Hajime's words played over and over again. They said that soulmate bonds were unbreakable, that Fate chose well and surely ; but Tooru thought that he just had done so. That he had truly ruined what little happiness he had found in someone for years, gone in just a few seconds.  
As he got up, limping and drying his tears, walking towards one of the faucets to clean his wound, he idly wondered if it was possible for names to change. For soulmates bonds to change over time, for Hajime to truly find someone who could replace him.

When he showed up the day after with crutches and a bandaged arm, face grim and oh so tired as he talked to the coach, apologizing for his own wounds and watching the practice from afar, Hajime never looked at his way. And Tooru rejected any of Matsukawa or Hanamaki's concern, leaning heavily against his crutches as he watched, stared at the team until nothing but their movements came to him, erasing everything else from his mind.

They did not speak to each other for days after this, and Tooru watched and stared at the name on his skin, thinking that yes, maybe he had thwarted everything good in his life ; watching his friend, the one he loved more than anyone with other people on his arm, watching him fall in love as he stayed near his crutches, his arm scarring after days of picking at the wound itself.  
It had been harder than anything to have seen him smile like this, falling in love with sweet, cute and smart Kumiko as Hajime did not pay him attention than was what usual for teammates, a strained smile here and there as Tooru worked himself harder into coming back to the team, coming back for their matches, kneepad secured on his leg and limp hidden from everyone still. One last won match with their upperclassmen before they entered their second year. 

He had seen them grow closer as his bond with Hajime was torn apart, the one with Tobio, the one he did not dare to think about even more unattainable for him. And Tooru found out that it was easy to lose oneself, to lose himself to something that would make him forget everything. The pain of his bruised leg, the stress of his exams allowing him to miss any hang out that would have put him in a situation he did not want to be in.

« You're a coward, you know this ? » Issei had once said to him, waiting in the locker room with him until it was empty. Watching him with crossed arm and a raised eyebrow.

« I know. » he had said back, watching Issei square in the eye, his shirt crumpled tight in his hands, whitening his joints until Tooru had to clench his jaw. 

I always have been, he thought as he followed Issei out of the gymnasium, waving at everyone cheerfully before turning away, sighing and watching the sky.  
He had been since he refused Tobio years ago. Had been when he thought he could please Hajime without telling him his love. Had been since Hajime had presented him, the team, to Kumiko ; her smile so big and Tooru could only see their clasped hand.

« Congratulations Iwa-chan ! » he had said, with a smile so fake it had hurt even himself as he said the words, quickly turning away from the show to talk about their next practice to the coach, avoiding his pitying eyes.

He was a coward, but he still wanted to hope. That everything was enough, that the pain would go away if he did not think of it so much.

 



« Do you want to go out this afternoon ? »

Tooru looked up from his notebook to see Hajime looking at him, elbow put on his desk as if it was just another normal day.  
And he figure it was, as he smiled a bit softly to himself. Their relationship still was wacky at its best, Tooru not being able to handle the sight of Hajime happy without him, without their bond for too long ; but also not being able not to have him in his life.

« Sure. Where do you plan to go ? » he had answered, smile brighter and twirling his pen between his fingers at the prospect of going out with his friend for once, free of anything like practice or their other friend.

« Kumiko and I wanted to go at this new café, and we thought we could invite you and Megumi is it ? » Hajime had added, humming in thought without looking at him, missing the way Tooru's smile stiffened on his face, eyes crinkling in slight displeasure he tried to hide like always.  
Of course, he thought bitterly. He had not been able to go out with Hajime alone since he had started going out with her, Tooru always seeing them with joined hands and small laughter that made his blood boil and his heart ache at the same time.

« Yeah. I can always ask her. » he muttered under his breath. He had not seen her for days now, always avoiding his eyes as he passed the corridors. 

They had had an argument weeks ago, as he refused vehemently to be closer to her, denying her what a boyfriend should do, unable not to think of Hajime and she had sighed, saying they could not be together, not when this soulmate of his was blocking their way.  
« Why aren't you with them then ? » she had asked, sadder than angrier and Tooru had kept silent, looking away as she kept pushing him. « You cannot stay like this Oikawa, you think you fool everyone with your fake smile and attitude, but you're not fooling anyone but yourself » she had added, nearly crying as he still looked away from her, sighing,

« You know she does not like sweet things, but I can always come alone I suppose» he had laughed when Hajime looked at him, raised eyebrow in question. 

« If you say so. Come join us after practice, will you ? » and Tooru had nodded, gripping his pen tight in his hand as Hajime looked away, focusing on the class once again. 

Going out with them was always something he dreaded. He felt sometimes like she could see right through him, through his fake laugh and the way his hands balled at his side as they walked together. The way he always had eyes only for Hajime still, her eyes always following him, a frown so like Hajime's on her face. Like she knew, she knew of their bond and she still wondered why the both of them were not together, why Hajime chose her instead of his soulmate.  
So Tooru made sure never to look at her for too long, for fear she would see his pain, she would see his dread and he did not need her to know so much, did not need Hajime to know.  
« You should talk to him. » she had said to him one day, as they both waited for Hajime to come back. He had tensed up beside her, refusing to even look at her, not even smiling as he had asked them what was happening. He had gone home early then, angry at the world for her to mingle in his business. She's caring for Hajime, unlike you, is mind whispering insistently in his mind like an angry shadow. And it was right, he knew, he knew so well that she loved Hajime so much and he she too ; so happy together, so much happier than Hajime was with him despite their past. She was what he was not these days, and he became angrier at himself, pushing himself further apart from Hajime and everyone else. 

« Oh, hello Kumi-chan » he greeted her, all smile and light hand as he kissed her cheek softly, looking straight ahead as she squeezed his hand, smiling to him and all he could see was how she pitied him, pitied their failed bond.

But Tooru still followed them, still laughed at Hajime's jokes and how smart they both were, answering any questions and telling stories of his own as if nothing was wrong. His whole life seemed fake, even to him, but he could not stop yet. Did not know how to make everything came back to normal, to the way it should be. 

But Fate was not always this cruel with him, and Tooru allowed himself to hope. It had been a day at practice, Kumiko watching them from afar as she talked to her friends, unable to hear them over the shouts of their teammates training as they took a break and Hanamaki had snickered then.

« How lucky she is, to have your name on her skin. Half the school would kill to be your soulmate Hajime » he had said under his breath, shoulders shaking as he laughed to himself and Tooru had stiffened, water bottle halfway to his mouth before he shook himself off, not wanting to betray any of his feeling, forcing himself not to look at Hajime as Hanamaki kept on laughing.  
But he was waiting, shaking in his very being as thoughts traveled his mind at high speed. What ifs. What if it was true and he wasn't Hajime's soulmate anymore, what if she became what Oikawa has not been for months to Hajime ? What if. And his hand shook, trembled around his bottle as he kept his gaze straight to the wall of the gymnasium.

«She has another, dumbass. » Hajime had snapped then, whipping his head back to Hanamaki like the whole thought had offended him beyond comparison. 

 

He had felt the first sob then, coming high and heavy up his throat, shaking his whole chest as Tooru excused himself, mumbling about his knee as he limped quickly towards the locker room, pain all but a reality.  
The words were freeing him, freeing him of his very fear and he could not avoid to cry his relief, clenching, almost clawing at his chest where he knew Hajime's name was. He was still Hajime's soulmate, despite their trials, despite the distance between them created by them both and Tooru knew it could be mended, that not everything was lost. That Hajime was still his and he was still Hajime's, and he felt like a weight was taken off his shoulders, pain lesser than it was moments ago.

When Matsukawa had stepped in, asking him if he was okay as Tooru splashed water on his face, hoping to hide his red eyes and the slight tremble of his hands, he had waved his concern off.

« You know, the weather and my bad knee aren't exactly friends. Nothing to worry about ! » he had smiled then, a bit happier, a bit truer than before as he walked past Matsukawa, not commenting on how sunny the sky was that day.

And when Hajime had looked at him then, Tooru kept on smiling, despite his tiredness, despite the way his heart fluttered, hopeful, in his chest. He had not cared about Kumiko's presence at the end of practice that day, waving at the team quickly before going back home still smiling ; this time, softly and privately to himself, squaring his shoulder with hope for a better day.  
They were not in good terms with each other and Tooru was still unsure and frightened about the state of their bond, about Hajime's acceptance and understand, but for now, he allowed happiness in. For an hour, for a day, he welcomed it. 

 



It had been sweet, Hajime thought with a smile as Kumiko hugged him tight, hands tight around his shirt as he hugged as tight as she did. Fate was kind to him that time, he thought wryly, waiting for graduation day to break his heart, another year, a last year for him to mend it. 

« I found him. » she had whispered against his throat, little happy sobs in her voice that made him as happy as he was sad. They had knew, when they began to date that neither of them bore each other's name on their skin, that they were fated to other people. But Hajime had loved her, truly, and he liked to think she loved him back truly. 

« I'm happy for you. » he had answered as softly as her, and it was not lie. She had often talked about meeting this person, to know if it was any different than with him ; and each time he had shrugged the though off, saying that she just would know. But she had never asked any answer from him, never talked about his soulmate, if he had one or not.  
Not until that night when they had undressed, laughing and too awkward but hands soft and caring between them. She had put her fingers on his chest, scrapping at the two gray names curiously as she still breathed heavily. Her hands had been softer, almost motherly as she traced the « Tooru » he still never wanted to look at.

« I should have known » she had snickered to herself, laughing full right at his humming against his throat. « You still look at him like he holds your heart between his hands you know. » she had added, no scorn on her voice that made Hajime look up, kissing her lips sweetly before speaking up again.

« I love you Kumi « 

« But you love him more, don't you ? » and Hajime had closed his mouth, lips thinning white in repressed anger, in pain.

« He does not want this. » he had gestured to his chest, to the marks on his skin bitterly, still remembering how Tooru had pushed him away, had refused any help and sympathy from him with so much strength, as if he had wanted to erase him from his life.

« Oh, Hajime » she had whispered, against his cheek as she kissed him, hugging him close to her breast. 

« He will never want this, no matter what I can feel for him ; and your love is enough for me. I'm happy with you Kumiko. » he had said, tone a bit angry and Kumiko had not answered, kissing any thoughts away from his mind. 

 

« I really love you, you know ? » he said again, before pushing her away, Kumiko's hand staying on his chest a bit too long, a bit too hot on his skin as she smiled sadly.

« And I you Hajime. But we both know I am not the one for you. Even if I had often wished so. » and she had cried then, sobs wrecking her body as he hugged her again. From happiness, from sadness, Hajime did not know, but his own heart ached in his chest. « I'm happy to have known you, to have loved you and I swear Hajime you'll always have a place in my heart. But promise me, promise me you will try to find your hapiness, to put sense in Tooru's head or I'll do it myself. » and Hajime had laughed, a bit broken, a bit pained as he listened to her words.

« I can't promise you anything Kumiko, you know it. »

« Buy you're unhappy, watching him when you think I am not. Watching him fall apart without you. » she had said, crying a bit harder on his behalf and Hajime felt his heart break even more. He kissed her forehead, one last time, soft and tender before stepping back. Flashes of unhappy smiles, of stiff tense that were s foreign for Tooru ; fake smiles that were even given to him, unable to make them change, powerless in watching Tooru become nothing but a shadow of himself. Powerless in reaching out to the only person he loved so much his soul ached for him.

« He has a thick head, I really can't promise if he's goanna listen to me. But I'll try. If you go find your soulmate now. » she had laughed, a bit lighter, a bit happier as she kissed his cheek one last time too. Stepping back and waving at him, smiling wide and toothy as she always did.

Hajime had looked up to the grey sky then, sighing to fight back tears he felt coming up at seeing her go, at seeing his happiness being torn bit by bit, unsure about what the future had coming for him, unsure about being strong enough for himself, for Tooru, for the thought of the third name hesitating between black and white right next to Tooru's.

 

He had not planned to walk to Tooru's house, but his heavy steps and empty mind had brought him there, knocking on the door before he could even rile up in anger at the idea. His heart broke upon seeing Tooru's face, him opening the door and his eyes widening in surprise upon see him.

« May I come in ? » he had said, almost whispered as Tooru nodded, lips pressed against each other in concern as he let him enter but Hajime did not want to see it.

He had heard Tooru's voice calling for his mother as he led him up to his room, oh so familiar and foreign at the same time but Hajime felt blind to all of this, felt blind to all but the ache and hurt in his heart, the one that made his breath shallow and his hand shake at his sides. He had then felt Tooru's arm around him, too silent but for his soothing breathing and Hajime had gripped him tight back, never letting him.

« She found him. » he had said, voice full of restrained sobs and breathing too shallowly argains Tooru's throat. « She found her soulmate and she left me. » but all he felt were Tooru's hand gripping him tighter, pulling him flush against his flesh as he finnaly sobbed, finally cried. The loss of his first love beside his friend, a love whom he had even imagine spending his life with if fate had been kinder to him. 

He was glad for Tooru's silence, glad at how easily his hands petted him, calming his nerves until Hajime felt numb under his touch, watching wearily and tiredly as Oikawa got up, shuffled around in his room even as Hajime did not move from the bed, watching the fluid movements as he brought his computers and Hajime's own favorite movie to the bed, letting him get comfortable against Tooru's body as the dvd played.

They did not talk, huddled close as Tooru's hand kept moving, caressing his arms softly, his cheek against the top of his head and Hajime was lulled to sleep by his wrecked nerves and Tooru's calming breathing. It were nights like this he knew something was just more with them, something nothing could explain as he fell asleep hugging Tooru's waist tight.  
It was only in the middle of the night, nothing but their breaths being heard that Hajime talked, whispered to Tooru's neck.

« I need you Tooru. I just need you, please allow me to be there. » again and again until he felt himself drowse off again, too tired, too heavy to fight against the tiredness he knew was overwhelming him, worse lost in the dead of night, his fingers shaking against Tooru's skin, tightening against his waist as Hajime pressed himself closer to his friend, breathing and sobbing both, wishing every feeling away to be finally at peace.

They still did not talk come morning as Tooru watched him and his red eyes worryingly, shuffling in his cupboard to find what little clothes Hajime always left at Tooru's house, years of friendship and bond scattered around his bedroom.  
Hajime heard Oikawa deny his mother explanations with a cheery wave and a joyful cry, but he had also felt the way his hand squeezed his tight, never to let go as they walked out together, and Hajime allowed himself to smile despite the tightness of his lungs and the pain in his heart. 

He had bitterly thought that Tooru would have been happy to learn Kumiko had left him, Tooru who was his soulmate but looked at him love someone else even more than Hajime ever loved Tooru, but he was the first to answer, the first to even react before Hajime as their upperclassmen asked about Kumiko and her absence.

« Lost your girl Iwaizumi ? » they had said, looking at him as his form was not at his best, missing a few of Tooru's tosses despite his want to be better, to be normal.

« Leave him alone and focus on your spikes instead, we won't win thanks to you. Even Kyoutani is better today » Tooru had snapped, throwing a harsh ball at them that spoke even more of his own eager as Hajime turned towards them. 

No one had talked about it then, under Tooru's harsher tosses and hard commands ; and even the coach stayed silent, a slight smirk on his face if Hajime ever saw one.

They were not great, but it would be better, Hajime thought. 

 



Life had by no means came back to normal for them, but Tooru knew their bond had strengthened after a few weeks. He still made sure not to look at his chest for too long, not to listen to the whispers around them as they began to train again together, long hours outside of school that left them breathless and laughing at their progress, shoulders bumping as they walked home. These times, it was easy to forget everything that cam crashing down on him, but Tooru was glad. Glad to finally recover his friendship with Hajime fully, closer than they had been for what felt like years. 

They still did not talk about this, about having each other's names on their chest still (and they talked even less about the small and neat third name they both shared, still grey, still present after all these years), but they were together nonetheless. Back on their tracks, back on what made them a better team, a better pair ; and Tooru was glad for it. He would not yet ask for more, not yet ask for his fears to be calmed, for his soul to be at peace again when Hajime still looked sad when he saw Kumiko on campus, when his hands still shook whenever he would touch Tooru a bit too longingly, a bit too much like he had been burnt somehow.  
And he was no better, like Hajime was a childhood crush, unattainable and yet so close, tiptoeing around him like a parade, like a dance he did not know what to do with but Tooru kept on. Kept on hoping and working on something else than their bond.  
And they had settled.For laughs, for small nights that they undeniably missed, hugging and huddled close as they watch movies, as they talked for hours, finally catching up with the time they had wasted themselves on.  
It had come to him as a surprise then, sitting close next to Hajime at the end of one of their private practice, hair dap on his forehead and breathing a bit too heavily, almost laughing as his whole body hurt and was too hot next to Hajime's. 

« Go out with me Tooru » he had said, looking up, never at his face as Tooru felt like laughing at it all, at their sweaty palms and back, scent too heavy between them and oh too incongruous as Hajime repeated himself once, twice and Tooru looked at him truly.

Looked at Hajime's peaceful face, at the way he breathed softly, eyes closed as he still looked up to the sky. 

« I... » he had answered, at loss for words, not believing Hajime was serious yet, not wanting to hope too much. »Ask me again after the match, and you'll even get a kiss. » he had laughed slightly instead, sure of himself, sure of his answer but nerves too tight for him to utter the « yes » that was burning his throat and his lungs.  
But the smile that threatened to break his face was seen by Hajime, a small one of his own as Tooru stood up and picked up the ball again, throwing it softly at Hajime.

« Stand up, ace. We've got lots to do ! »

 

But eventually, it all came to a stop. All this happiness gained in weeks, more than they had in months, shot down like the last ball on the court. Their inability to catch, Tooru watching it fall like it was his own life, the whistle of the referee deafening him as it rang the last point. The end of the match they had trained, fought for so much, recovering what had made them so good in Junior High ; but to no end.  
Tooru had looked then, at Ushijima, face blank as Tooru shuddered, shook under the weight of losing, of failing one more time. They were soulamtes, Hajime and him ; and yet, and yet they had lost. Lost against a team, a man that stood alone with no other on his skin, no other strength but his own and it made Tooru's hard practices, hard months seem like nothing.

He had still looked, unable to shed tears as they bowed in defeat, looking at the ground so hard in fear he would cry, his hands gripping his side tightly as they were asked to move, to go back to their locker room with no other victory than having lasted hours against Shiratorizawa. The knowledge of not being enough, of not training enough burning in Tooru's mind as each step felt heavier still.

If he had been calm, trying to reign in his tears as they entered the locker room, putting away their uniform for the rest of the year, Tooru flinched visibly as they all heard the loud slam of Hajime's fist against the door of his locker, his grunt and shout at the pain deafening in the silence of the room. Tooru could feel the blood beat in his ears, his body shuddering still as he looked at Hajime, as he looked at the anger, at the pain of his soulmate that so reflected his own.

« Damn it all ! Damn this business » only Hajime's angry, scorned voice was heard in the silence of the room, his bloddy knuckles a contrast to their white uniforms, to the white of Tooru's knuckles gripping his shirt, fight back everything he could feel.

He had seen him then, walking with determination towards him and Tooru nearly backed away on his bench, backed away from the intense look he could see in Hajime's eyes.

« I can't go out on a date with you later on Tooru » he had whispered, nearly hissed as his hands felt too warm on Tooru's thighs as he gasped under his breath, looking up, searching for anything on Hajime's face that would tell him of everything being a joke. That his heart would not break right here, right now, never to be mended again if he lost Hajime too this day.

« I can't go out with you later on, I need you now. Now and ever after, because I'm only stronger with you by my side » he had continued before Tooru could find his words, before he could try and dry the tears away from his cheeks because Hajime's words had hurt, had cut deeper in his soul that he thought possible but then, but then his lips were on his, a bit too forceful, a bit too hard but Tooru pushed back eagerly, his fingers winding up in Hajime's hair, pushing against him until all he could think of was him.

« You're not alone here ! » they both heard, admist the feel of belonging, against anger and sadness and bitterness, they were there together, against each other, never to let go. And nothing else mattered in the world at the moment.

« Tomorrow then, first thing in the day » he had breathed out as Hajime thumbed his cheeks slowly, lips still close as he nodded, kissing him again, not minding the gagging sounds they heard throughout the locker room.

They lost, and their steps were still faltering as they went on their ride back home, but Hajime and him were close, shoulders touching as neither of them could think about sleeping, as all members of the team tried to fight back tears. But their hands were linked, and Tooru found strength in it not to mind his own sobs, not to mind Hajime's grim face as the ride went on. 

They had still stood close as they went home, Hajime kissing his lips more softly then, chastely, pressing his firmly against Tooru as a reminder that everything will grow to be ok for they were finally together, closer than they have ever been yet ; squeezing Tooru's hands as a final goodbye before turning back to his own home, shoulders straighter than they have been before and Tooru thought that he was right, that everything would be ok from now on.

 



 

It definitely had been easier then, slower practices and grimmer faces as they trained and said goodbye to their upperclassmen, but both he and Hajime had felt something just click between them, finally fitting in their lives. They had been stronger, healthier and even more focused, making their upperclassmen laugh about their fierceness and their underclassmen flinch away whenever they would ask for another ball, for another match until their coach made them both stop, reminding Tooru of his injury and the way that driving himself this hard was not a good idea with such a bad knee.

They indeed had gone on a date the day after the match against Shiratorizawa, Hajime slight red cheeks echoing Tooru's as they walked together and they both had realized that they had no idea what to do, despite it not being their first relationship with someone. Tooru had laughed too much, a bit too awkward but no less fond and Hajime had stuttered a lot between jokes and drinks but both had come home with a smile on their faces, hands linked and there was nothing but closeness finally found between them both.  
Never has their relationship been questioned as they went on with their year, both of their lives getting easier still with each other at their side.

But they soon had both realized that there was something still missing. A gap between them when they sleep or laugh, something they were trying to fill with too much laughter and forceful touches ; a pain in their heart they could not quite explain yet that left Tooru awake at night and Hajime glaring at everyone.  
Something they could quite not reach, having buried it for months, for years without even talking about it. And it was no before Hajime had stood there, slightly pacing in his room as Tooru watched him with worried eyes that he decided to finally open up about it.

« What if » he had began, softly, like he was still searching for his words a frown on his face « What if it is because Kageyama is not here with us. »

Tooru had hissed then, without thinking, turning his back away from Hajime, refusing to even think about it. 

« Because we're not complete yet » he had added, tone firmer as he eventually looked at Tooru, kneeling in front of him in order for Tooru to look at him, to stop avoiding the issue for a moment. « We lost. The match, months of our life together because, and you know it Tooru, our bond is not complete. »

« Even if it was true » Tooru seethed in anger, in pain, in resentment « Even if it was true hajime ; what can we do about it. You don't like him. » 

He had watched then, Hajime shrugging off his words before cupping his cheek, turning his head to him before he could even say anything else.

« And you ? Do you really hate him ? Beside volleyball, beside everything else.» he said softly, looking at Tooru if he could see his soul itself and Tooru felt at loss for words.

There was no words that came to Tooru's mind. He wanted to say « no », for this to be true but he knew, he knew it was not true. Not really. And there was nothing he could think of but Kageyama's trembling words years ago, to his determined gaze that he had made a pleasure to break, afraid of the truth, afraid of not being enough for his first bonded. And now, he could only think that maybe, maybe he had been wrong. That these months of pain and heartbreak had been his fault all along for having refused such a bond because Tooru only was afraid.

« And what will we do either way ? What of it ? Do you think that Tobio, of all people, would accept us now ? » he had said, too urgently, almost to the brink of tears « Do you think we could handle rejection, do you think it does not hurt ? Because it does, Hajime, it does. And I'd rather leave without a third soulmate than with being rejected by him like I was by you. »

It was a low blow, he knew, to talk about it when they had grown apart with Tooru's blessing, by his silent consent because he too was afraid then. But to know, to just know nothing would come out of a talk with Kageyama this soon, was too hard on Tooru. 

« There is no way I could handle the rejection Hajime, no way. I would not, could not be able to talk about it, especially not with him. » he had added in a shaky breath, throat too dry as he thought of what he had felt when Hajime had left him, when he has seen him walk away more and more from him each day. When he had seen him with girlfriends, with people he shared things he never did with him, jealousy and heartbreak gnawing at him until he felt too raw and the memory of it was still too recent in his mind for Tooru too handle it one more time.  
To handle it knowing he was the main reason of Kageyama's rejection of their bond, knowing there was no lost love between them since they day onwards, despite Tooru's own want, need, to see his underclassman again.

« Okay. » Hajime had said, softly, standing up to kiss him, to kiss away tears he did not know he had shed « Okay, I will not ask anymore, not for now » he repeated, until Tooru could breathe more easily, until he did not feel the weight of Kageyama's voice in his mind ; Hajime pushing him down until he was under him, Hajime kissing him until all he could think of was him and his kisses, the soft hands on his sides caressing away any dark thoughts.

He would not think about it for now, but they both wondered where Kageyama was, who he has become during all these months. And they also knew that they would meet him soon, if he had pursued volley ball, if he had entered a team of his own.

Despite Tooru's fright, and Hajime's vow, they both wondered about him, thought about him as Hajime took off his shirt and Tooru kissed him more forcefully, grabbing him so their bodies were touching. A third that was not yet here, forgotten and thought about all the same.


End file.
